Passing the Keys

Growing up, I remember one classic scene that seemed to show up in every Bollywood family movie.

No, I don’t mean when they cut to the peacocks or flowers just as a couple is about to kiss.

I mean when the mother-in-law hands the new daughter-in-law a set of keys upon her arrival in her new home.

In India, valuables are kept in locked cabinets with family members, neighbors and servants coming and going.

Makes sense.

And the daughter-in-law accepts with great respect and honor. As if this has been her lifelong dream.

Ahh the keys.

I never really thought about the symbolism, significance, and weight of those keys until now.

And the way they were glamorized in the movies.

It’s not like she was saying, ‘here are the keys to my son’s heart”.’…okay gag, just kidding.

She was handing over the responsibility of an entire household.

A brand. New. Household.

With in-laws, siblings, grandparents and a husband you hardly knew.

Whoa. Heavy.

Funny story…

I remember going to my cousin sister’s flat in India, a week after her wedding. Their family invited us for dinner.

She was 22. I was 24.

She emerged from the kitchen in a saree, carrying a tray of water to serve me and the rest of the family.

She took one look at me knowing I was about to burst out laughing, and silenced me.

But c’mon. Only last week we were shopping, laughing, and eating bhel puri on the streets.

Ahh, the keys.

Magic…instant lady of the house!

And turns out the keys don’t just come with responsibility. They come with rules.

In some households, the daughter could frolic around in shorts, midis and jeans…the daughter-in-law?

She had to dress more modest and traditional.

She represented the family, after all.

I’d like to know why your daughter doesn’t represent your family.

I mean, you raised her. But I digress.

And in stricter households, the daughter-in-law needed permission to see her own family.

It was like forget the people who you loved, lived with and raised you for twenty something years. Now you belong to us.

I was very young and I didn’t give it that much thought.

The Bollywood movies made it all seem so normal.

Plus, I was getting ready for my own wedding and well I live in America.

There are no keys to hand over.

But aren’t there?

Figuratively?

There were still new rules, new ways in a new family I was expected to embrace as my own.

Damn those Bollywood movies!

Now 30 years and three kids later I’m having a conversation with my dad.

I have no idea what brought on the topic even.

But, he said something along the lines of, “I think when a girl comes into a family, it’s her responsibility to learn the new way and become part of it.”

“Is it?” I ask my dad.

She’s the new one. Often a very young new one.

Wouldn’t it make more sense for the family – the people who already know one another to make her feel welcome?

You know, give her time to find her place?

We had a very long debate that day.

I didn’t change my father’s mind. But he certainly got me thinking.

Especially once I became a mother-in-law.

Hmm. Now what?

Do I take those figurative keys and hand them to the next woman?

Here you go. Your turn.

Because that’s what was done to me?

I’ll be here eating bon bons. You got this? And I like my coffee with cream and two Equals.

Maybe handing over the keys would make me feel like I still had some control over the family dynamics.

But, I’m the older one. The experienced one. And I’d like to think the wiser one.

So shouldn’t some of the responsibility fall on me?

Not to teach her how to fit into my family, but to make sure she knows she belongs in our family.

Quite honestly, times have changed.

I’m pretty sure that if I tried to pass those keys, they’d be respectfully handed right back.

Probably by my own sons.

Fair enough.

But that just means that I’m still left holding the keys.

And I don’t want to just get rid of them. You see, the keys are very important.

They symbolize Family. Unity. Love.

It’s what keeps us all together.

Time for a new tradition?

Let’s share the keys. I’ve made a set for everyone.

To Desi or Not To Desi